Sententia: thought; way of thinking; purpose.

Never Have Truer Words Been Spoken.. Or Typed

I got an email from my mom a few days ago and I just “accepted” it on my phone and didn’t really read it.. until today. I would say that I’ve never read or heard words so true to what was going on my life, but that would be a lie because I find that someone always says something or I always read something that is so applicable that it is hard to believe that a higher power did not have a part in it. But today, for sure, this email touched my heart somehow.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

I had a really good day at work today, amazing really. I just can’t believe how lucky I am to have a job period and to have the job that I have. I mean, really, I have the most amazing job ever. I have the opportunity to help bring another human being into the world.. it’s truly remarkable. I get to take part in one of the milestones of any family’s life and I get to be there at the pivotal moment where two people have shared so much that they bring another person into their lives. I am able to be there for the entire process and I have the pleasure to care of a mother and a baby in their first hours together and say “welcome, baby.. we were waiting for you.” It’s just too hard to grasp really. And what I forget from time to time is how blessed I am to have this opportunity to share in the lives of a family I have never met and to be such an influence in their lives to bring their new generation into the world. I tend to forget how outstanding this is, and I really feel that I need to take a moment to take a step back and look at this amazing, God-inspired reality that I helped bring another person closer to starting their walk with God. No matter how much sadness, stress, anger, pain or anything that I feel, none of that measures up to the greatness and happiness that I see on the new mom and dad’s faces when they see their new addition to their lives. I am so thankful that I get to look in the face of God through a newborn baby and clearly see His amazing promise to us that He is here and this is how he is going to show it to us. He gives me faith and hope for the future.. and reminds me that not everything is as bad as I think that is. For that, I am so blessed.

So getting back to my mom’s email.. I realize now how true all of those words are. It’s so true that someone we admired so much and loved so much and trusted so much has the power to let you down be it with their own purpose or not. I realize now that is possible to have your heart broken more than once.. twice.. even three times, but that at the end of the day- you are alive and well.. and that is something to be thankful for. I realize that you yourself will break hearts too and to remember how it felt when you got your heart broken so that you may put yourself in another person’s shoes so that you may tailor yours and their needs so that peace can be achieved. I realize that friends are put in your life to help you get through the rough and happy times and that you will fight with them.. you will lose touch with them.. but that they are in your lives for whatever purpose they serve and no matter what the outcome- they will alwalys have a place in your heart. I realize that it may be easy to “say” you forgive.. but that hardest part will be to forget.. and that what happened to you in the past- no matter how long ago- will always have the ability to affect you and that you (against your will) may hold something against someone for something someone else did.. and that that’s normal. I realize that time is never on hold and that people will move on and carry on with their lives.. without you.. and that that’s okay because everyone deserves to be happy. I realize that you’ll cry about it and be heartbroken about it, but that when God brings you to it.. He will undoubtedly bring you through it. I realize that life is too short to be unhappy and that there is no reason to waste a breath because what God has in store for your life is worth more than just waiting around.. being sad.. and hoping for something that may never happen. So here’s my challenge to you: love like you’ve never loved before and never been hurt before.. laugh until it hurts.. live like today was your last.. remember that people are brought into your life for only as long as they remain.. and that if you put God in the forefront then everything else will fall into place. Shelter your heart.. but don’t let it be so deprived that it never reaches it’s full capacity and never achieves what it was meant to achieve. Remember that your past sets up your future.. but it doesn’t have to dictate it. And pray..

I Had A Dream About You Last Night

Apparently, it’s been almost three months since I last wrote anything here. Goodness, that’s a long time. A lot can happen in three months. And to think, I really wanted to try to update this thing at least weekly. I really wish that I could update more often- not really for you, the reader’s sake, but more for me- in that I think writing/blogging/getting my thoughts out on paper is a healthy way to vent/release stress/soul-search. And so, I guess it’s not really a question of wish and want in terms of physical ability or time constraints to do so, but more a wish and want related to the desire to actually sit down and formulate into words something that comes from my head but is at the same time something that I think is read-worthy. Anyways, it has come to my attention that I only write (or want to write) when I am extremely happy, or extremely sad, or extremely excited, or extremely nervous (or extremely bored). I guess you can say that writing on here is a release, blah blah blah like many people say.. but really, it indeed is a way to work out and make something finite out of the infinite things that are in my mind associated to all of those intense feelings. But really, I find that I’m hardly a person of those such extremes, or that I am hardly enough so that I could keep feeling those ways so that I could use them as fuel to write an entire blog in an effort to actually make tangible those intangible ideas in my brain, because those moments are really quite fleeting for me. They leave just as quickly as they come and all that rage, or enthusiasm, or glee, or misery swiftly balances out to a point of equilibrium whereby I can go about my merry way (without a delightful passage for you to read). So if I don’t hurriedly find a computer, all that fuel just kind of goes by the wayside and so it seems I’ve learned to harness all those feelings and supposedly learn to release it another way.

Or instead, I have just learned to bottle it all up and let it explode one evening.. in a driveway.. in my car.. listening to slow jams.. at 1:00am.. by myself.. on a Friday night.

I will not accept that I just admitted that right now.

Anyways, yeah so.. yeah.. hold on- regrouping. >Blows nose<

Mmk. I am an emotional person, but I try not to let it get the best of me. I am expressive, but I try not to be overbearing. I try to be hospitable and caring by nature/career-choice, but I’m aggressive when something important to me is on the line. I listen when I need to and talk when I feel like something needs to be heard. I am levelheaded but also tend to let my heart get lost in things that I sometimes have no control over. I like to let people know how I feel, but I wall up a lot of my emotions for fear of getting hurt or appearing too vulnerable. I weigh out all of my options, but since I think I’ve thought of every decision-outcome equation, I can’t make a solid decision because I tend to see (or try to see) the good and bad in every situation. I can be your best friend but also the voice of reason that you don’t want to hear. And although I know all these things about myself, there’s still a lot more that I don’t know. So how do I feel now that those things about me are surfacing? Well, not anymore informed than I was a year ago since I’ve moved here, but a little more at peace that I may be heading in the right direction. I’m not trying to “find myself” per se. But I am trying to be okay and fully embrace everything that I am finding out about myself. I’m not on a journey towards self-realization in the sense of the word that it may regularly be associated.. but more self-acceptance. Anyways, that’s just getting too deep.. even for me right now.

So, what triggered this here outburst then? If not an epitome about myself and the person I’ve become/am becoming- then what? Admittedly, I think a rush of doubt came over me.. and I felt like I was in a flood and had no life raft. So in a sense, I was drowning in the unknown.. and I couldn’t breathe. Somewhere in that whole rant up there about the kind of person I am, I’m sure the fact is in there (in so many words) that I can put up an amazing front (even to my closest of the closest) that even they can’t see that behind that façade hides a much different, if not opposite story. And I think that’s what has been happening for the last few, I don’t know, days? Weeks? And it all relates to me being here.. in LA.. in my oldslashnewhome. I reread all of my blogs tonight.. yeah I’m crazy.. and I just kind of chuckled at the difference in how I felt from before (based on what I wrote) compared to now. ***Insert disclaimer: This blog entry is not to be mistaken even for once a regret to moving here, this is more of a revelation of the fact that I am indeed human (gasp!), and am unsure about some of the choices I have made, or will make, because at this present time not everything is “falling exactly into place” as it has done so many times before *ahem insert sarcasm* (hah, yeah right fallen exactly into place? Hardly).. Ok, so I guess I’m just unsure because it’s easier to feel unsure from the get-go than to think you have it all figured out and then have the rug pulled from under you*** So yes, I am now unsure as to what to do here in LA.. now that I’m here. You could argue that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing: working, having fun, being 22almost23, making new friends, holding onto old ones, and so on and so forth. But now I guess I’m asking.. now what? I mean, when all is said and done, and let’s say I do that on the day to day, what happens next? What is my next step? RELAX with the quarter-life-crisis. Apparently I need to go on some sort of life-changing jog/mountain hike like a role model of mine has recently done :) I hate this feeling though.. this uncertainty. I completely understand that I’m only 22almost23, and that life is at my fingertips and that I’m only on the cusp of what life has in store for me and yada yada yada.. but I’m a person who likes to be in control, or at least know my options and I don’t feel like I have that. I have been toying with so many ideas, which include going back to school, finding a more permanent place to live, traveling (I’m talking world and not just neighborhood-see-you-in-a-week-or-so), among other things. But I feel like… I. Just. Don’t. Know.

So it leads me to my next questions.. why all of a sudden the “there’s gotta be something more” attitude? What am I missing? Am I even missing anything? Ok, obviously, I don’t know the answer to that. But a friend once told me (care of bbm by Blackberry).. although not verbatim:

Friend: “I had a dream about you last night, Trisha!”

Me: “Haha, oh really? What happened? Nothing bad, I hope”

Friend: “Lol no, I just asked you a question”

Me; “Oh what did you say? What did I say?”

Friend: “I asked you if you were happy”

Me: “And?”

Friend: “And you said no and that was it”

Me: “Haha um that’s kinda sad”

Friend: “Yeah, well my friend told me that if I ever have a dream about someone that I should tell them”

Me: “Well thank you for telling me then”

At the time I laughed it off. But now, I have taken it a little more to heart. Apparently someone else’s subconscious already knew a few months ago what I guess I’m feeling right now. Ok don’t worry yourselves and put me on any kind of watch or anything. I’m not emo and I don’t hate my life. I have a lot to be thankful for and I do believe that I am truly blessed. I just feel that there’s more to it than this day to day that I’m living.. and I want it. I know the Lord has plans for me. My life is not mine but His alone. I am merely here to do good by Him and for Him. So even though I may not know the future.. I do know what I want to be the center of it. So in closing nothing’s ever promised tomorrow, today.. make everyday count.. (insert thought-provoking quote about the future here).

***

Father, although I cannot see the future you have planned

And though the path is sometimes dark and hard to understand

Please give me faith through joy and pain to trace your loving hand.

When I recall that in the past your promises have stood

Through each perplexing circumstance and every changing mood

I rest content that all things work together for my good.

Whatever then the future brings of good or seeming ill

I ask for strength to follow You and grace to trust you still

And I would look for no reward except to do your will.

***

No Time For An Update Apparently

I had great intentions of having this updated at least monthly so people back home could know what I am doing with my life here, but it just so happens that I am too busy living my life and can’t quite make the time to write about it. Funny thing though is that I always manage to make time to read other peoples’ blogs.. that and manage to keep myself updated about other peoples’ lives with many of the other creeper-cultivating programs out there (ie: facebook, myspace, etc). Oh well, tumblr just requires too much time and commitment and I don’t have that right now.

Because everyone I talk to most asks me about the same things, I am going to try to kill as many birds with this one blog stone as possible. So anything else, we should probably be talking on the phone.. or you should come visit me.

Work: I work all the time.. more than the three days I thought I would most likely be working once I started. It’s occasionally like 4 and 5 times a week, which is stressing me out a bit. I love my job, so that is always good, but yeah, just a lot of days lately. New thing about work is that I am soon to be training more intensively in a different part of women’s health and will be going back to days… booooo :( I don’t know how I am going to change my my sleeping schedule again (shoot me now) AND I lose night time differential.. which is a lot.. and I mean a lot a lot. Only for a few months though, but that’s a lot of money. So long random trips to Vegas, or eating out, or buying clothes I don’t need.. for awhile anyways. On a brighter note, I love babies and get to be with them every night at work but my job for sure is like real-life-in-your-face contraception because I sure as hell do NOT want to have a baby anytime soon. That is one of the farthest things from my mind right now lol. So that will make most people I know happy :)

Summer Agenda:
-work.. work more
-save money
-buy furniture
-plan a trip to Oregon
-Vegas for Mr. Christopher Canlas’ birthday!
-Disneyland a few times
-work out more
-beach
-visit Travis Air Force Base to see Mae and her new baby and the kids
-other ideas in the making

Family: Everything’s fine and dandy with family lately. I see most of my family members from LA on a pretty regular basis. My dad would probably want to see me more than that, but what can you do? :) I like going to family parties and seeing people I haven’t in yeaaaaaaaars. It is a good feeling, to see how much people have changed and that even through the distance, you can still go back to how you remember each other and laugh at those old good times. Family parties are a very “LA” thing to do, and they happen quite often.. so it is very commonplace to see an aunt or uncle I don’t know or don’t remember meeting and pretending to remember, lol. I love my family because they are people you can use to look at and use as role models for both what you want to and do not want to follow. My family keeps growing too, which makes everything better (Happy Birthday, Alicia Lei Ambs! Welcome to the world). So all in all, family=good.

Trip to Oregon: I still don’t see an upcoming trip to Oregon in the near future yet. Some day soon though. Who wants to buy my a plane ticket?

Overall: I wake up and miss Oregon and friends and family and my “other” home.. but at the end of the day, I’m glad I’m here. I love the people I’ve met, the opportunities I’ve come across, my job and whatever is planned for the future. In end, Trisha+LA= good choice.